For those of you in the homeschooling community, you’ll get the little play on words in the title. For those of you who aren’t, well, you’re not missing much.
I’m done. I am throwing in the towel after this miserable year. I am too ill to do this. I cannot motivate my child. He is too hard to handle, too stubborn, too hard-headed, too much like me. I can hear the anti-homeschooling crowd cheering now, ‘We told you so! Public school is superior! Only “qualified” teachers should teach and you aren’t one, you’re “just a mom.” This was a mistake from the beginning. Congratulations on seeing the light!”
It’s not like that at all.
If I were healthy, things would be different. If I had a built-in sense of time, things would be different. If I didn’t have periods of time where I literally could not function, things would be different. But those are problems that I face.
I don’t hate public school, I think it’s fine, it’s just not what we wanted for our family, and I’m devastated to see it end. Statistics show that homeschoolers fare as well, if not better than public-schooled children, so I’m not worried I’d be “ruining” them, were we able to continue, I’m sure they’d thrive. There are many other websites out there with similar statistics, just so you don’t think I’m being biased here.
I am angry. I need to get off Facebook. Everyday I am bombarded by articles that tell me what all I’m doing wrong by not being the “typical” American mom. No, I don’t send all my kids to public school. No, I don’t vaccinate on schedule. Yes, I use essential oils on them. I refuse to use Tylenol. I won’t let them use electronics, iPads, Xboxs, the Wii or any of those “normal” things that kids all do these days. I’m an unapologetic Christian and we’re raising our kids to be Christians. We don’t picket funerals of dead gay people like many atheists on Facebook would have you believe, or smack people in the head with Bibles at the grocery store. I don’t do “womanly Bible talk,” like Beth Moore. It kinda makes me sick to my stomach, it’s so gooey and comes across as disingenuous.
I’m just me: self-educated later in life because I really didn’t pay attention in public school (the irony), homeschooling mom failure, Tupperware sales lady, hater of dish-washing, once-organized but now awash in chaos, lonely, sad, depressed, manic, and feeling out of touch with everyone I know and love. I have been insulted, humiliated, rejected, dejected and subjected to conditional love lately and I am revolted. I am disappointed. I am deflated, defeated.
Ha! And if I have a bad day, just your run-of-the-mill bad day, I get,
“This is just your disease talking.”
Nope, pretty sure bipolar people can actually have a bad day like everyone else, like the day that it rained and the car leaked all over my pants and shirt, or when I tripped and fell onto my bookcase edge and gave myself a concussion. That is a bad day, that has nothing to do with being bipolar, unless my van needs a diagnosis I am unaware of. Or if I try to tell a funny story, I’m told, “Stop, stop, you’re just ‘cycling,'” whatever that means. No, no, I am not “cycling,” I’m just trying to tell a story and communicate if you’d stop to listen to me and not talk over me. I get so fed up with being bipolar thrown up in my face at every opportunity. It is NOT MY IDENTITY. Do people go around being like,
“Hi, I’m Bill and I’ve the diabeetus?”
“Hello! I’m Marilyn and I have ‘the arthur’!”
“I’m Craig! I’ve got cellulitus on my testicle, it’s nice to meet you!”
No they most certainly do not! But it might be funny if they did. And quite helpful if they have leprosy, ebola or active TB.
Dear Lord, I’ve just been repeatedly told what a burden I am on people, how they hope I appreciate them, how I’m just so difficult to live with, be around, deal with, “handle,” how “extremely rude” I am during the times I’m manic (I’m sorry, that does tend to go along with the territory, especially if it’s reciprocated). Does it not occur to these people that these words only serve to push me deeper into a hole of shame, despair, guilt and feelings of worthlessness? How do I deal with this Lord? Guide me, Lord.
I….I am just out of things to say.